Do you ever wonder why, with some people, love just isn't enough? Especially the people who are supposed to continuously love you, no matter what. The people who are supposed to always be there for you. It just doesn't make sense...
I look at my parents, but my mom especially, and wonder why my love isn't enough. I love her with my whole heart and she still wants nothing to do with me. She's supposed to be there for all of the special moments, all of the good, and bad, moments. She's supposed to be there and she never has been; she's never going to be there. Because she chooses so many things over me. I was thinking about this the other night. I like to make people believe that, the fact that my parents have never truly been parents to me, doesn't bother me, I can just shake it off because it's not my problem--it's theirs. But this isn't true. I am 18, a legal adult, and it still hurts more than anyone (who hasn't been through it) could understand. Every holiday, every significant event in my life, every horrible or happy situation...I still want them to be there.
I have this giant hole in my heart where my parents should be that no one else can fill. I have an amazing person who I think of as my momma, and a great person who I call dad. But it's just not the same; they didn't bring me into this world. I love them to pieces, but they aren't my biological parents. (as much as I wish they were!) It's just not fair that they are too busy to care about me. My mom lives 15 minuets away from me and I only see her a few times a year, and that's generally to pick up something that came in the mil for me. It just hurts that she is never there for me. She wasn't there for prom night, to help me get ready or to do my hair and make up and take a bunch of stupid pictures. She wasn't there for my birthdays, I was lucky if she even called me. She wasn't there for any of my Art awards, and she wasn't even at my high school graduation. That hurts me more than anything...
I know that there are people who have it worse, people who have no parents. But having parents who CHOOSE to have nothing to do with you, who choose to not be in your life, seems more painful than having parents who just can't be there. I love them both, so very much. I just wish I knew why my love isn't enough; why everything and everyone is more important than me. I feel abandoned. And I'm left with an emptiness that can't be filled. it just hurts.
Love should be enough,,,
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
"I remember the time you told me about when you were eight, and all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait. I remember the car you were last seen in and the games we would play. All the times we spilled our coffees and stayed out way too late. I remember the time you sat and told me about your Jesus, and how not to look back even if no one believes us. When it hurts so bad, sometimes not having you here, I sing; tonight I've fallen and I can't get up, I need your loving hands to come and pick me up. And every night I miss you I can just look up and know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you...tonight"
This song is about the writer's girlfriend who died on 9/11 in one of the twin towers. But, for me, it's about the loss of my best friend to suicide. Not only was it his favorite song, in the letter he wrote to me right before he died he told me to listen to it whenever I missed him. He died on June 8, 2010, it is now November 8, 2011, over a year later, and I still listen to it everyday and cry. Losing someone you love is hard; losing someone you love when it could have been prevented is that much harder.
Shane was a great guy. He was funny and caring. Shy but super kind. He had a rough time growing up and he was bullied a lot throughout high school. He struggled with depression for a few years, and it really spiraled out of control when his dad overdosed on drugs in 2009. We were together a lot and we knew just about everything there was to know about each other, which means I knew he was thinking about suicide...I just didn't take him seriously after he had gone on about it for months and months. We talked on the phone every night, except for June 7th. I knew that he was just going to complain about how much he hated life and, for once, I just didn't want to hear it. So, when he called me, I didn't answer.
The next morning, I felt so bad about it, I tried calling to apologize only he didn't answer. I figured he was still sleeping or something, so I just walked to his house--he couldn't be mad at me for ignoring his call if I ran in and hugged him, right? When I got there, his mom told me that he was still in his room but that it was okay for me to go on up there, he needed to get up anyway. I walked up the stairs and down the familiar hallway to his room and knocked on the door, when he didn't answer I debated but opened the door anyway.
I looked at his bed expecting him to be there, but there was nothing there. so, I turned around, facing the direction of his closet. What I saw there, I will never get out of my mind. One of my best friends for the past eight years was hanging from a rope, lifeless, with blood dripping from his cut wrists. I just stood there, silently crying, until I fell to my knees. I didn't know what to do or think. I didn't believe it. My best friend, the one guy I could trust, the guy who swore to me he would never leave me was gone. I eventually crawled out of his room and told his mom, in what I'm sure was a scream, that Shane was dead. The rest of the day is a blur in my mind. But I remember running, just running as far as I could and then running home. I broke every CD that he had ever made me and tore every picture that I had of him because I was so mad.
I'm still mad. I'm mad at him and mad at myself. He swore he would never leave me, but he did anyway. What he did was so selfish, I still wish I could just punch him in the face. But, at the same time, I can't help but blame myself a little because if I had only picked up the phone...I could have talked him out of it yet again. I know, deep down, that it's not my fault. I know that, eventually, I wouldn't have been able to save him, it wasn't my job to save him. It just happened sooner rather than later. I guess the one thing that bothers me the most was that he had such a bright future ahead of him. If he had just held on a few more months, he would have been in Tennessee at Lee University. He had gotten a scholarship and he was on his way to pursuing his dreams of becomming youth pastor. If he had just held on a little longer...
I miss him every day, but the fact that he didn't hold on has taught me me that I can hold on. No matter how hard life gets, you are not alone. No matter how alone you feel, there's always someone who loves you, someone who cares. There's always hope; there's always tomorrow. I only wish that Shane had realized that because then he would be here and I wouldn't have had this blog to write.
"Hold on, when you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know..." <3